You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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