It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
