i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
