At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
