matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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