be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
