My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
