He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
