would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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