HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
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