I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
