Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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