i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
