She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
