i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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