i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
