Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
did i just pee glitter
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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