I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
