Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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