fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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