The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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