If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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