Please, let me fuck your mom
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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