Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
