I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
