atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
