You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
