Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I love you. Go after that dick
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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