Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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