Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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