billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
