Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
