Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
