i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have aggressive nipples.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
