u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He kissed a someone with a penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Please don't give away my fajitas
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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