I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
barbara walters just said penis...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
