I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your penis caused this!
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