On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
