Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
