if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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