you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's shark week go big or go home
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
