I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
