I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
