i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You were trust falling into bushes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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