So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
