I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
did i walk over a car last night?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
