You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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