Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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