I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
