I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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