My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
