Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
not ubering you a puppy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
