Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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